Some days I feel like Jekyll and Hyde.
Start the day out as Polly-Anna Hopeful and then later, instantly turn into her evil twin sister, Cruella the Cynical. Sometimes this cynical person dislikes Polly-Anna, even hopes that she won’t return, it would be easier that way.
In some places Polly-Anna hides, she’s afraid of the crushing criticism. No, no, not said aloud, spoken words, but criticism that you taste and feel as you breathe in, the droplets of disdain, landing dew-like in your lungs. Maybe Polly-Anna is weak, she doesn’t mean to be, she has just learnt over the years, that raw un-throttled enthusiasm is not the way to form connection. Not in HERE anyways. Rather, enthusiasm, only serves to alienate and isolate.
Whereas the cynicism, dark and comforting, like dark chocolate, sinful and rich. Melting on our tongues and coating the hope that so recently stood there, white now coated in dark. Now, we are on the same team. A feeling of shared battle, of shared defeat. It is their fault not ours. We are tough, we will keep going, not fall prey to the campaigns and promises. We know better. We know better than to believe and give our hearts to it.
Really it’s not so much that it is a choice, it’s just a means of survival. A way to protect the inside parts that like a tin are so crushable and so worth not having crushed. An armour to wear on the way to the place I need to get.
There are secret pockets, places where hope shines in its glory and brilliance, where she is allowed to come out blazing. But we try not to talk about these pockets too much, we just know they are there. These are the spots and moments we wait for, like spring flowers and shared laughing fits; they are worth the wait. Where dreams dance, up on the tables, drunk with the possibilities of the impossible.
Some days it is hard to fathom how these 2 are the same person and how I let both of them belong. How even sometimes, I encourage both of them to continue rather than take a stand and decide finally to commit. Somehow this possibility is not part of this landscape.
In HERE, it’s not like that…
“Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me… Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”
― Shel Silverstein
A Fine Balance 